The relationship between teen boys and their mothers changes over time. During the first 10 years it was easy to say that you wanted your boy be the best he could be and it was your commitment to ensure that he felt loved and supported by his family. You were his biggest fan and the greatest presence in his life. Mothering had grown with you and him and pulled you in sometimes without your permission.

However you will never have the same relationship you had with your son when he was younger.  He isn't that person anymore and doesn't need the same things from your relationship.  As he grows older, he will need different things, some of which will be even more fulfilling to you and some will be the opposite.

Understanding the Teen Years

Many kids announce the onset of adolescence with a dramatic change in behavior around their parents. They're starting to separate from Mom and Dad and to become more independent. At the same time, kids this age are increasingly aware of how others, especially their peers, see them and are desperately trying to fit in. Their peers often become much more important, as compared with their parents, in terms of making decisions. Kids often start "trying on" different looks and identities, and they become very aware of how they differ from their peers, which can result in episodes of distress and conflict with parents

Boy brains, at age 14, 15, 16 do not process things like initiative or planning or consequences. Their brains are skilled at learning HOW to do things, but the very part of the brain, the prefrontal cortex, that processes WHY you should do something, is quiet and still, still in development.

Neuroscientists, including Dr. Jay Giedd, chief of brain imaging, child psychiatry branch, National Institute of Mental Health, are documenting how differently our brains develop than what we thought. Previously, we thought brains were 'done' at about age 12, because they stop growing in size. Now we know that development continues into our 20′s and affects the kind of thinking we are able to do.

Generally about 18 months behind girls in cortex development and maturation, teenage boys learn HOW to drive a car easily, but don't think about WHY to obey the speed limit. They can figure out HOW to get alcohol or drugs, but don?t consider WHY that might be dangerous. The part of the brain that manages planning and judgment, the prefrontal cortex, lags behind, catching up about age 21 and finishing maturation perhaps by age 25.

As these young men reach their twenties, their brains continue to develop and the part of the brain that can process WHY comes online. Boys who flipped coins to make decisions about where to travel, now make plans, reservations, consider costs, consequences, choices. Things look dangerous to them that would once have looked exciting. All the self management skills you are hoping for your son will appear, just a few years later than you expected.

As the mother of a teenage son, your job is to explain the WHY until his own prefrontal cortex kicks in. Use a low calm voice. Make eye contact. Be brief. You get 60 seconds to make your point. Be patient. Pick your battles. Nagging about a messy room, a haircut, or baggy pants, should not take priority over WHY to obey the speed limit and avoid drinking and driving. Cited: Wordpress, 2012.

Distractions: Sex and Growth

There are a few other things causing your son's apparent lack of attention to things you think are crucial. It is hard for mothers/women to get a good sense of how overwhelming sexual feelings are for teenage boys. Mothers get mixed up in this, because most of us are unaware of what we compete with. These boys are tired and hungry from growing. Lack of interest in a plan may be because their bodies are hard at work, building and rebuilding bone structure, muscle, at an exhausting pace. Food is more interesting to them than sex and has the same demand on their consciousness. Their growth can cause clumsiness, an unconscious need to relearn how to move. From month to month, their arms and legs are noticeably longer, requiring different balance and coordination. Imagine constantly reorganizing how you walk, dress, open a door, go down the stairs, navigate in a crowd, seeing a changing face in the mirror each morning, with erupting skin, and caring deeply about how all that looks to the opposite sex.

To cover all this confusion and change, teenage boys develop skill in appearing aloof, disinterested and bored. The shields are up lest you see how great the struggle really is. What looks like a teenager doing nothing, is actually a warrior regrouping energies and emotions. Your challenge is to wait for the moments when the shields go down, hunger is sated, hormones are lulled, and that boy's body is rested and awake. Cook something. Bake something. Cited: Wordpress, 2012.

As a mother, rest easy in knowing you are present in your son's heart and soul. The boy is studiously ignoring you but you are in his consciousness.

• Educate yourself regarding male development: Being a mother, you can never experience what it's like to be a teenage male. You can understand intellectually, and if you understand intellectually you will be far ahead of any uneducated efforts you might make. Read books and articles on male development and men's work. See the list of suggestions at the end.
• Set boundaries and keep them at all costs: Teenage males need to know where they stand, and they can only do so if you take your stand. Sons often define themselves against you, for better or worse. Back off and set them free: Do not create a 'nest-bound' son by being a mother who confuses parental "support" with your own fear and neediness and create a life independent of your son
• Expose them to deep and mature masculine perspectives: Historically, older men once guided boys through the transition of 'definition' and into manhood. Now, in our times and for a variety of reasons, there is a lack of this process and boys are growing older but not growing up. They remain 'undefined', undirected and uncertain because they are without strong male guidance. Now the term "man" includes boys who are the age of manhood but have never entered manhood. There is a world of difference between an old boy and a deep, mature and grounded man. Hence it's good to direct them toward strong men. There are still few males who are willingly and very seriously shouldered the task of ushering the young males of today into the manhood of tomorrow

 

Suggested Readings

Fire in the Belly: Sam Keen
King, Warrior, Magician, Lover. Robert Moore and Douglas Gillette
Knights Without Armor: Aaron Kipnis
Iron John: Robert Bly

Sources:

• Kidshealth

• Wordpress

• Wakinguptolife

• iafrica

Page Created: 17 January 2012